There was a time today where I was dreading writing this post. I just wanted to write the 20 minute diary and be done with it. The last post took a lot out of me emotionally. My mind was racing, my mood was like a sine wave, up and down. Sometimes I was sure I was posting something good, other times I was wondering if I should edit it and make it less radical. I stayed up late into the night wondering how people would react to my thoughts. I was sitting there rattling off IMs to my friend talking about how this is the most open I have ever been and how it is extremely uncomfortable.
But I put some thought into it and realized I had to write about this. If I am to demonstrate exactly what it’s like to start something completely new, I have to show the highs and the lows. I would be doing a disservice to you (and future me) if I left out the negative emotions and pretended we all just slowly walk to where we end up and never are unsure of ourselves or in a panic over something we’ve set into motion. The future person would read this part during his panic attack and think to himself, “Man, what is wrong with me? This isn’t supposed to happen.” It’s supposed to happen. You will feel lost.
I would like to thank all of the extremely supportive people in the office and in my social circles. Each supportive word has given me the courage to keep coming back here. I would even like to thank my resident troll (check my past comment threads for a taste). His reactions really helped get my mind going and helped me process my thoughts so I can better understand what I really think.
There are two realizations that helped settled my mind in the end.
One, I don’t know what the fuck I am doing. This is a journey with no map. I am doing something I have never done before, and really something no one I know has ever done before. It’s an experiment and experiments sometimes fail. That’s completely fine. I am content that I tried. More content than I have ever been.
Two, this nourishes people. Truly. Man…people feel these things every day and just pretend they don’t. I realized that because once I wrote this stuff here, people started opening up to me everywhere. We all just look around thinking no one else feels this so everyone just keeps it to themselves and the cycle continues. I want to shine a light on that.
Time: 35 minutes, 28 seconds
-Finished Tutorial #4!
-The game looks and feels like Tetris! Play here
-You can press space to drop the piece
-Next, I’m gonna comment for every single line of code until I understand the reason behind it all.
-I need to look into having a working prototype link for each commit of the game so you guys can see how the game came together as well… (and so my past post links still work)
Okay, next time I’m really going to write about League of Legends… if I don’t have another realization.
Side-note: The really interesting thing about blogs is when you put up something uncomfortable, it stays up there forever, and works at you every time you remember it’s there until finally, you come to terms with the fact that you wanted to write that post and you can rest.