Day 24

Philosophy Friday: Calm

I looked through some of my old posts today and it was an interesting experience. I wrote about what I felt in real-time and because of that, the writing was so visceral. The same thoughts I was having in my head were on the page, which is as interesting to read as it is terrible to feel in real life.

Today, I feel much more relaxed. I am no longer a stalled engine, grinding its gears trying to get started. I am a humming baby engine, rolling slowly every day and occasionally revving to a higher speed. I am calmer.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have internal doubts and fears. Sometimes when I am talking to a girl, I feel the pressure to impress her with a joke and I am afraid I’ll say something that makes her not like me. Sometimes I’m afraid I will break down in an anxiety-driven fear when speaking up in front of a group. Sometimes, I wonder if I will just curl up into my shell, never to return to the social world again. But I accept these fears and doubts. They are me. I have those feelings and that is simply what it means to be human. That is where I am, I must accept that if I am to continue moving forward.

These days, I see those feelings for what they really are. They are my internal voice holding myself to unrealistic expectations. For a long time in my life, I had held myself to the standards of others and that was the root of my fears and doubts.

I had to be as funny as the funny guy at the party. I had to be as good-looking as the good-looking guy on TV. I had to be as confident as the confident people I see at work. I had to be as eloquent as that well-spoken guy who talked before me in the introduction circle. I had to be as smart as smart people I meet at school. I had to have enough friends to talk to that popular girl. But all of that is false.

If I have any other expectation of myself beyond a little better than who I am today, I am being unrealistic. I am where I am. How can I possibly cross the chasm from me to who I want to be today? That is frankly impossible. I can only hope to put in my day of work today. If I put in my day, I win. That is the only expectation I should have. And God, it makes life so much simpler. I can take pride in the fact that I did my work today. With each day I return here, I get a little closer to where I want to be.

After I drop expectations born of other people, I can start to think about where I want to be and work towards it without any thoughts like “I should be here” or “how come you can’t do this?” Those are lies. I’m being impatient. I can only change one day at a time.

Time: 25:04

Git Commit

Learned:

  • How to spawn shot objects using an input
  • How to destroy shots after they leave the game area

Diary:

I am sick, so I prioritized sleep over getting this is by the deadline. Here’s to health.

Game development with Unity is a lot of fun. Try it out!

 

P.S. WordPress ate my other reflective post. I am pretty irked 😡

Day 24

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